Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Remembering Our Babies"

On June 3rd 2001,
We found out we were going to be Parents,
We were So Excited, we couldn't stand it, I took a pregnancy test on Sunday Morning,
I remember being scared that the pregnancy test was going to be negitive, since it was not even time for me to start{I was a little anxious}.
But i got out of bed that morning and tiptoed to the bathroom to take the test, "I wanted to surprise Isaac".
I took the test and it seemed like forever and then i saw those 2 pink lines, I almost screamed.
I ran in the bedroom and jumped on the bed and screamed
Isaac was as excited as i was.
We scheduled an appointment with My OB on Monday, went in and were told that everything looked great. We left the Doctor and went stright to Babies R Us' and i was in Hog Heaven. Do you know how many times i had dreamed of going shopping in BRS?
We left out of Babies R Us that night with Our Baby's Bassinett and a outfit that said Daddy's Little Girl.

I was very blessed to not have any morning sickness. We had a great 4 weeks.
We had gotten home from church on Sunday July 1st and i had spotted, I was so scared that something was wrong but kept praying that everything was going to be fine. We called the doctor on call and he told me to lay on my back with my feet up and then call the office the next morning and to not worry, I remember thinking "man you sure don't know me".
We prayed so hard that night that we would go in the next morning and find that we had worried about nothing.
We didn't sleep a wink that night,
We got up the next morning on July 2nd and started over to the Doctor, on the way to Mobile we held hands & prayed that the Lord's will would be done. {Never did i think that it would end the way it did} we were riding and praying and listening to the radio and there was a song that came on that to this day brings tears to my eyes, It is by "Greg Long" this is the lyrics.

Pain The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger When it's gone away
Pray I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me
It seems the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move
I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see
Free Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been, but then
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

We got to the Doctor and were taken to ultrasound, we sat in the the waiting room with several pregnant women and i just kept thinking that this just could not be happening.
They called us back and lying there on the table after a few minutes Our tech looked at us and said"I'm so Sorry".
We were both devastated, i just kept thinking "well but if i turn over on this side you will find the heartbeat, But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that we had lost her.
We {Isaac, Myself & the Tech} were all crying when we left out of the room and I knew that all of these Mom's were about to go in to see there little baby's heartbeats on that little screen.
We were taken over to see My Doctor and i remember sanding in the hall while they were getting a room ready for us and Our Nurse Laurie came out of the office crying and came over and hugged me.
Then they took us in the room and when Dr. Plessela{My Doctor} came hime he had tears rolling down his face.
He told us how sorry he was for us and tried to explain that ther was no major medical reason as to why we Lost Our Baby.
He talked to us about having a D & C, and about letting nature take it's course.
And told me to go home and try to rest that the next few days were going to worse with all of the cramping and bleeding and just knowing that you are lossing your baby and there is nothing you can do about it.
I begged Isaac to please not make me go home, I did not want to be at home, I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just wanted it to be us. If i didn't go home I didn't have to see the bassinett sitting in the nursery just waiting for us to put our little baby in it.
Or the Little Outfits we had bought hanging in the closet.
So we rode around for hours, we cryed and prayed and cryed somemore.
Isaac finally talked me into going home much later and we just sat and stared at the tv not really saying anything for days.
On July 4th we were asked to go to the Fireworks at the beach park,
I did not want to go but knew that i had to get out sometime.
So we went over to pick up our youth pastors wife and daughter & when we got there Lisa came to the door handed me a card and said read it when you are ready, I went and sat on her couch and read her card,
Lisa & David had lost there little boy 1 year earlier, at 36 weeks he was born stillborn, Lisa told me that it did not matter if you were 36 weeks or 1 week that it was still your child, And a part of your heart that would forever be gone. She was right, To this day there is a piece of My Heart in Heaven with a very special child that will always be My First Baby!

I did have to go back to the doctor because nature was not working fast enough and i was starting to get sick, so i went back to the doc on July 7th and had to have a D & C. There is nothing like going into the hospital one day pregnant and coming out with no baby to hold in your arms.

I to this day have had people tell me that at least i didn't carry the baby for very long, Let me explain From the moment of conception that baby is a human being. You love that Baby more than life itself and you would do anything for that baby to still be with you.

We changed alot, We were 2 kids that had been married for 4 years {I was 24 & Isaac 23}. Our plans changed our Lives changed. We both were Christians before but were brought so much closer to God by this.

We have been blessed beyond belief with Our 3 Beautiful boys & are so very Thankful, But we know that Our Little Girl is in Heaven and one Day we will get to see her and hold her and kiss her soft little cheek. Our Emma' Leigh Grace is so very special to our Family, Our Boys know that they have an older sister in heaven and that one day they too will get to meet her.

This is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Please say a prayer for All of the Families that have lost a child.


Karen said...

I was thinking you were about 7 weeks pregnant when you lost the baby. How did you know it was a girl?

He & Me + 3 said...

I lost a baby too. Devastation. Last night I lit a candle for our baby. Thanking God that I will meet that baby again someday.

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a miscarriage. I spotted a little when I was pregnant with Grant, and I remember being terrified that something was wrong! I cried for at least two days...and everything ended up being I know actually losing a baby is horrible!

Jennifer W. said...

I know so many people who have gone through this...I can't imagine ever telling them "at least you weren't very far along," or even, "it was God's will." I can't imagine the pain, and I'm truly grateful that I have never experienced this loss. I have been thinking about you this week, and praying for peace for you.